Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
