Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
