No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
