who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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