Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize