WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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