i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
