I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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