Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize