I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize