I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
