I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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