So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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