I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
