Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
