I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
ugly people sure do ruin things
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
