Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
