i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Mom said you looked used
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
