Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
