is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
