A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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