can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
