turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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