A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
