i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
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