batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
