the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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