I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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