There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
