I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I wish there were birth control emojis
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
