do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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