My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
