Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
