New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
