I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
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