My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
