dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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