Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
