then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm passing your future prison.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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