I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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