all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
