dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
