can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize