he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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