I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
