its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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