To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
