im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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