After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
