there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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