I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
