hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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