I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
