Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
