Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
