I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
