so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
